Dec 23, 2010

My Hollow Heart

I have one sister and one brother. My sister is 5 years older than me and my brother is 7 years older. Growing up with siblings that were so much older left me too young to fit into their busy teenage lives. But when I got older, my sister and I became best friends. My husband and I would go to her house often, stay over night and enjoy the company of her and her family. I don't think I realized what a blessing it was until that relationship was lost.

About 8-9 years ago, my brother and sister had a falling out and, because I was usually put in the middle of such battles, I decided this time I would back off and be neutral. Although I wasn't that close to my brother, I didn't want to lose any of my family by taking sides. What I didn't realize was that in not choosing, I was seen as a traitor by both and even the relationship I had with my parents suffered.

As the years have passed, I've had a so-so relationship with my brother, only speaking when absolutely necessary and have been somewhat distant with my folks. But with my sister, I'm still shunned and pushed away. There has been very little conversation or correspondence and even that has felt stressed--like walking on egg shells so not to break something that is already fragile.

Most of the time I can put my feelings aside and try not to think about it, but at Christmas I tend to feel more of that hollow place in my heart that aches so deeply.

I miss my sister.

I've tried everything and I'm still not allowed to be a part of her life. What I wouldn't give for a loving and forgiving family that could come together and just be happy. Instead, I find myself feeling very empty and alone.

So, for those of you who are spending the holidays with your family, give thanks for those around you. Hug a little bit longer, laugh a little bit louder and forgive everything. Life is too short to hold onto something that only brings us pain.

Merry Christmas to all my friends AND FAMILY, wherever you are.


  1. Oh Christine, Here is a cyber hug for you. You are a wonderful, caring, sincere person. You touch the lives of those around you both in real life and via cyber-space. My life is a little better for having known you. I hope you can find some joy in the holiday this year. Know that you are loved.

    Many hugs and good wishes, your friend, Wendy

  2. Big hugs. I'll be your sister for the week. I'd be honored to have such a place.

    We all have family issues, and the holidays make them harder. But I will tell you that eventually it gets easier. The problems don't always go away, but maybe you learn how to deal with them differently.

    Sending you and your family love.

  3. Christine - the more you post these tender inner thoughts of yours, the more I realize we have in common with each other. I know how it feels to be pulled between siblings. I was in the same situation when my mom died and my two older siblings fought like crazy to the point that they decided they didn't want to be in each other's lives. And there I was caught in the middle between the two - trying to be neutral, but it never really working out that way. So much frustration over so many years. It took a good twelve or thirteen years before they started speaking to each other again (my older sibs). They still aren't the best of friends, but they do talk to each other once every couple of months.

    I've recently been put in this situation again with my in-laws. Things were said to me that have plunged knives into my heart. For over a year, I couldn't even stand to hear their names without anger. But as I kept praying for peace and forgiveness, I've made enough progress that I've forgiven them and can chat with them again and enjoy family events. But our relationships will never ever be like it was before. I will never put myself out there to be hurt like that again. And you know, it just hurts to lose that trust and faith in someone you love.

    I know my experiences have been a bit different than yours, but I do understand that hollow feeling, the regret and the wishing things could be mended. My only advice is to continue turning to the Savior for peace and love. And keep praying for your sister. The relationship may possibly never heal here on Earth, but pray for her to find happiness and fulfillment and that one day, you will each find that forgiveness and wrap each other in a hug again.

    Until then, I love you girl. Big hugs. (I'll give you even bigger hugs when I see you in May).

  4. Thanks for all you comments and for the love you've shown for me and my family. It warms my heart to know I have such wonderful friends. Have a Merry Christmas. HUGS