There. I said it.
It's plagued me for years, but I've always been able to push it away with and without medication. I'd gotten so used to having it around, it didn't seem to bother me much and it certainly didn't control my life for any length of time. Maybe in spurts when things weren't going well, but for the most part, I've been able to . . . well . . . FAKE it. I guess that's the best way to describe it.
While people are around, I put on a happy face and pretend to be upbeat and positive. I even manage it online for the most part. Don't get me wrong. I do have a lot of wonderful days and I do seem to look on the bright side of things most of the time. But on those rare occasions when I'm down, I have a multitude of masks I can wear so people don't know.
Now is NOT one of those times.
Since my near-death health scare, I've been gradually sinking deeper and deeper into a dark hole. I don't think I realized it until this past week when tears started flowing for no apparent reason. I've managed to push my friends and family away and withdraw from most of my online groups and media venues because I didn't want this "mood" to rub off on anyone else.
No. That's not exactly true.
I didn't want anyone to know I was wallowing in self-pity. I write for teens and I want to be a good example and uplift them, not drag them down.
UGH!! I hate this.
Anyway, the reason I tell you this is because I'm not writing much. I feel horrible about it, but whenever I open up my word document I just sit and stare at the letters on the screen and nothing comes. It's not that I don't know the story. I have the whole thing outlined and planned out to the last sentence. I've just lost that burning desire to tell the story and I'm not sure how to get it back. I need my cup filled. I need to feel like I do when I get back from a writer's conference--all rejuvenated and inspired to be the best at what I do. I need great words of encouragement from my friends, family, fans, and writing buddies.
Sooooo . . . GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT!! Inspire me. Uplift me. Kick me in the butt so I can get back to writing. Whatever it takes. I'm ready, so let me have it.
"You can do it!" "You will get into it when you actually sit down to write!" "Fake it til you make it!" "Just Do It!" "Don't worry, Be Happy!" "The story is all in your mind, (just like your depression) so get writing." "Eat better." "Why can't you just BE happy." "Take your meds, you'll get better."
ReplyDeleteNow that all that very unhelpful advice has been given, here's the real stuff. Take care of you, and when you are ready, then write. Know that we care about you, not just seeing your story out. You don't have to do it alone so seek out people who uplift you and those that can help you. And thank you for having the guts to tell it like it is, and to be a real Role Model for teens and older girls too.
Christine, I haven't been on your blog for a while, and wish I'd made it back here sooner to read this before now. I have to agree with Laura's statement, "And thank you for having the guts to tell it like it is, and to be a real Role Model for teens and older girls too." I think that too often our young people see adults who aren't willing to share their fears and shortcomings. This gives the impression that either the adults don't struggle with fear, depression, failure, etc. or that it is something that has to be hidden and dealt with silently...something to be ashamed of maybe. Hence the rise in teenage suicides...
DeleteIt's hard allowing oneself to become vulnerable. To confess to ANYONE that there is an area we can't handle on our own. But that's the only way that others can come alongside and hold up our arms to get us through the battle. Thank you, Christine, for sharing with this group.
I know from other commentators that there are many readers who truly care about YOU as a person, not just the books that you write. Sure, we're waiting expectantly for you next book, because you have a gift of weaving a captivating story that keeps us spellbound in the reading. BUT, I am more concerned that CHRISTINE is healthy and whole. That you walk in peace. That the cloud of depression is lifted from your mind and blown away completely, forever...
I know you will make it through this, because God is no respecter of persons. He walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death - a deep depression after my divorce - 15 years ago. It was a painful journey. It seemed like I would never see light at the end of it. BUT GOD. God faithfully got me through that and I believe He will do the same for you my friend. I love you and will be praying for you.
I imagine you to be a fighter! Your characters are strong women and that is how I see you. Reach down deep and pull on that inner strength and you will make it through.
ReplyDeleteWhat you've been through is very real and very traumatic to your body, and it may take time for your body to recover from that trauma. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and let it recover. Your emotions can't heal until your body does, so make sure you're getting a lot of rest and eating a lot of good food. You can't bounce back from something like this - it's a long process. Build yourself back up, and then start easing into writing again. Honor what you've been through and give yourself time to heal.
ReplyDeleteI think I know how you feel. Any time you suffer an illness or injury that takes a long time to heal, you get to a point when you feel like you have waited long enough. You think you should be better now and you just want it all to be over so you can go back to all that you used to do and accomplish. But in fact, you aren't better and your body still needs time to finish healing and so you have to find the courage and stamina to endure to the end. It won't be easy, but will probably take longer if you fight it, so give in and let your body heal. Trust in the Lord and know that he is there watching over you and knows all that you are going through. In the end it will have all been for your good.
ReplyDeleteYou are brave to share. You can do this. Have you ever tried yoga? It is amazing how powerful releasing how physical bodies can be for our emotional bodies. There is a great DVD Viniyogatherapy for depression by Gary Kraftsow that may be helpful. Most of all be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would your best friend. Namaste.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, this is the first time I have ever felt compelled to write to an author before. Let me first start out by saying that I am definitely a fan of your work. Through your different posts to me it sounds as if you already feel as if you are failing because you did not finish it in time or that you failed your readers. I can honestly say you never once failed me as a reader/fan. If anything you have inspired me. What you have been through I could not imagine. The fact that you are still worried about your fans is awe-inspiring. You will finish it when you are ready. Don't push yourself too hard. Maybe just write nonsense for a while (that's what I do when that white page starts mocking me). Just let your creativity flow, you'll know when you are ready to finish Beloved. Till then who knows maybe more story ideas will come out. I wish you the best of health. ~~Shaina
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I can make you feel any better, because I don't really believe that you can cheer up a depressed person just by cracking a joke or whatever. I just want to say I'm sorry that you are afflicted with this horrible plague and I have a lot of dear friends who are similarly afflicted. I just hope that you have many brighter days very soon.
ReplyDeleteI hope your health is improving *HUG*
You are a gift and a blessing first and foremost. Second you are so loved and wanted by your family, friends and fans. You do not need a kick in the butt, you need to shower yourself with your family and friends. This is not the time to be alone. The hate mail is not important, delete then do not read them ever. Those are not you're fans. You're characters are some version of you, draw you're strength on them and most of all draw you're strength from God. He will never give anything he does not believe you can handle. Get well and when you are ready, start writing again, we, you're fans will wait for you.
ReplyDeleteO Don't worry about us or what we think we're gonna be FINE! take care of yourself because that is what matters. Ugh mental illness no one gets it but who sufferers from it, last year I hit rock bottom, my Anxiety drove me so far I started thinking about doing some unpleasing things to myself, cough *cutting* cough, so I decided to do massive changes to my life and my title for 2013 is Flexibility. because it was I needed badly, pushing myself too hard, and the feelings of guilt fed my illness and paralyzed me completely.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say I'm better now but of course I have my really bad days, so just give yourself a hug cause you deserve it, you're a hero of mine by the way and I know you will come around, and so does writing, how elusive it can become sometimes. something else; talking about your problems makes you a better role model for teens who tend to keep everything inside until it explodes in tragedy. I'm 100% by your side so worry not my friend :)
OK u r my role model. That there is a good start, now here is the most brilliant plan I could come up with. Eat at least three spoons of peanut butter and go to bed. Lay there until u r sure u won't be able to sleep then walk around your house for at least half an hour. Then get some water add 4 drops of lemon, or lime juice to it and sit down to your computer. Proceed to look at funny teenager posts until u have drank half of your water now attempt to write. If you fail do what should have been my 1st instruction PRAY! Now if u r still stuck email me at dalenehunter@Gmail.com. love all your work thanks
ReplyDeleteDalene H.
Depression is a hard disease to live with. One of the hardest. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you can cover it up w/many different faces. I do it all the time. You have taken the hardest step though. Admitting that you have it. Go to your family Dr, & talk to him/her about it. Get started on some meds for it. And see a therapist. Therapists are so under-rated, but they are really awesome, and go along way at not only getting you on the road to recovery, but also help you cross the "finish" line. Try to remember that at least 50% if not more if the people you know or talk to, will suffer from some kind of depression. You can get through this, but you need help to do it, so don't try it on your own. No matter how badly you want to shut down and shut everyone out, DON'T!!! Reach out to someone, anyone. Just reach out, and let them help you get on the right track. My prayers are w/you~~BIG HUG~~
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. While I have not been diagnosed with depression, there have been on and off times I will become depressed for no apparent reason so I understand what you are going through and it's kind of nice to know I am not the only one to go through this. One of my goals in life though is to make people smile and just help create happiness for others, which in turn I appear to feed off of. So making you happy and filling your cup up shall bring me great joy! :D
ReplyDeleteI know there are lots of times that giving up sounds like the easiest thing to do. I tend to want to give up on a lot of things that are important and special to me because I fall into my pits of depression and lose my passion for them. You should remember that there is nothing wrong in wallowing in your pity sometimes because no one can be strong all the time, and letting people in will allow them to help you and will ultimately make you feel better. Maybe you could find a good book that always uplifts your spirits when you read it and always helps get your creative juices flowing. It doesn't even have to be a published novel, it can be writings of other people published on websites like quotev or figment. Maybe seeing other people in their creative peaks will help you get back up! And if that doesn't work you should let me love you so I can be all "yay! I lubbs you and your work and we can be happy buddies and you will write and here is chocolate ice cream (or whatever flavor you like) and we will do the Mexican hat dance and the chicken dance and the cha cha slide until you feel better and are ready to write"! :D Just reading that last part made me want to not be sad, I think I scared myself.
Anyway, I hoped this helps and if it doesn't and you ever need anyone to help you you can email me at sugarsam726@gmail.com . I know that I am a teenager but a lot of people tell me I am wise beyond my years (a nice way of calling me old apparently XD) and I can be an ear to listen or a mouth to voice concern and advice and all that jazz. Tada I hope this helps! :D
~Sam
Okay. First of all, I need to knock some sense into you.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel with the depression. You feel awful emotionally, and sometimes even physically. You're guilt ridden because of not writing, but look at all your fans. Are we blaming you? Are we saying 'You crap author, write!' And cracking a whip? We are not. Because we all support you.
You were brave enough to write what happened to you, you were brave enough to tell us about your depression, even though you've been alone.
I just want one promise. Pushing people away NEVER works! You'd be surprised about what people hide. Take yourself for example. Under the upbeat mask, there is YOU!
We all have good and bad. No-one can ever be all good, or all bad. But it's when a test is thrown at us, that shows who we really are.
And you have to learn to accept yourself with your flaws. Then accept yourself with your assets. Sure, you may be unhappy now, but you are an amazing author. There's an asset.
Right now, you're probably kicking yourself, thinking 'Why did I post that post? Why am I asking for fake support? In the end, don't they all want the book, not me?'
Don't listen to that voice. The support is genuine, and yes, we want the book, but in the end, we want YOU!
I started following you after I read Broken, and I began to look up to you. I was inspired by you. At first, I wanted the book, but then I got a grasp on your personality.
And that personality is awesome. I really like you, and I'm sure, if we were to meet, I would want to be your friend.
Heck, even online I want to know you.
One last thing, even if Beloved is never finished, I will never resent you. Because its not about that world, its about you. I want you to be happy, author or not.
You do not have to finish the book. You have to be happy. I understand the depression is getting to you, but look around. You're alive, aren't you? You can eat delicious foods? You can watch the stars, the sunrise, the sunset?
This world is beautiful, but only if you truly look at it. A mask may be a mask, but did you ever think that maybe your depression may be an elaborate mask?
I am humbled by all the love and support you guys have given me. In addition to the comments here, I've received several emails with similar words. All of them help me tremendously and I'm feeling a little better each day. Thanks so much for having my back and for being so patient with me.
ReplyDeleteHugs
I have lived with depression for most of my adult life. My problems got me a medical discharge from the military when I was young. For many years after that, I struggled with feelings of guilt and worthlessness. There were even times I wanted to die- I just couldn't see a way out. I finally began to realize that I was simply sick... just as if I had caught a cold or the flu. It was explained to me that a trauma in my life had caused an imbalance in my brain chemicals, which could most likely be treated with medication. There is no shame or guilt in that. Once I let the guilt go, the depression was much easier to deal with, and the medication also helped. I will live with this my whole life it is a chronic illness after all, but I will not let guilt take control, and neither should you.
DeleteNobody is just being patient with you. All they are saying is that you've admitted to being one of us. An ordinary everyday person who has a very unordinary talent. People, and I mean a lot of people adore you. That is you as a person! Not just a writer. Although an awesome one! I completely understand what you mean about the many faces of you. I have them myself. I have no good advice I'm sorry. All I can say is we have to keep moving forward so we don't feel like we're falling behind. I know from experience it's very hard to catch back up to life. It won't wait for us or slow down. I am diagnosed and it feels like I'm melting into the background some days, then I look at my 5 children ages 22-7 and my 2 year old granddaughter and know in my heart and theirs. I can do this! If I can honey you can especially because now I know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time that I fell into a hole like that, i started cutting myself and pushed all the people who cared most about me away from me. And I might of stayed there, if it weren't for those people who I tried to push away. My friends pushed me really hard, and what, in the end, saved me were books. Instead of concentrating on the world that was falling apart, I started to read books with my friends and it saved my life. You are a great writer and great person. To see that you have the same problems as everyone else, sometimes you just get so down that you cant pull yourself back up alone. It makes things much clearer to me. I know some of my friends suffer from depression. So when they have bad days the rest of us do everything we can to pick them back up.
ReplyDeleteSo here goes, u need to get up! As stated in Edmund Vance Cooke's epic poem, How Did You Die, "It's nothing against you to fall down flat, But to lie there- that's disgrace." yes life does seem to hate us at times, but if we stand together we can push back. Simply said, reach out to your friends family, let their love for you heal you and shower you with hope, happiness, and laughter. And most of all know that you are not alone in this. We are here for you and that will never change.
I just wanted to let you know that you matter. You have written two wonderful stories and I'm sure you will write more. Take as much time as you need. Enjoy life because there is so much more to life than feeling. Bad things happen in life but you have to fight for your happiness. I've had my struggles with it and finding the strength within you is never easy. Just hold on to the positive in your life is the only advice I can offer. Only you truly know the struggles you've faced.
ReplyDeleteIf I was you, I'd make goals for myself. Each time you finish a goal, you'll feel better. Don't put time limits on your goals. Make them things you want to do. Like for me, "Go zip-lining" was one of my goals that I recently did. I lost my brother a few months ago and we always promised each other we'd go skydiving, zip-lining and get motorcycles together. I'm working on my goals for him. Pushing for my happiness because he didn't get to live all his out. He died too young and it really makes you appreciate all the life you have. You have so much to give the world by just being you. If you are ever feeling sad, please blog again and I'll be here to remind you how much you matter.
Lots of Love~ Julie
feeling sad*
DeleteYou could also write about your sadness. It might help you get it all out.
Read the books again like you're reading for the first time. The books are wonderful and I'm currently reading Broken for the third time. I am anxiously waiting for the next book. I read the first two chapters and they're such a tease.
ReplyDeleteChin up Ms Bryant. Depression is such a disabling condition and my heart goes out to you. My cousin and a dear friend both suffer from depression and my cousin has fibromyalgia as well. She refuses to take meds so she tries to keep herself busy. Family, gardening, canning, and she homeschools her kids. It doesn't take the depression away completely but it helps her. Try taking some long walks, gardening, whatever you enjoy. Just remember to breathe.
I wish you all the best and pray for a healthy recovery. You are an amazing person and your family loves and needs you.
This morning i went to a seminar about problem solving. Well, the only thing that i most agreed is to Find the root cause that lead u to the depression. Crack your head hard to at least find 5 reason why. Also, what makes you want to write in the first place? The happiest moment on it and focus on that. Find some fun and have your life back to that very moment then be with it for a while. Not thinking about writing for a while too.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone in this, I've been depressed since I was in high school and that's probably the worst time to feel like you don't even want to get out of bed. I made a couple of mistakes then too trying to take my life, but what got me through it waere a couple of things.1) My best friends I have three that knocked me on my head in until I could finally see straight-ish. They were my biggest support. But you have all your fans! All of these people who worry about you and love your work, even if we've never met in person we went on your written journeysand that in itself is one hell of a bond. 2) My writing. I write my story over and over again, but each character hasa different name, a different face, sometimes she kicks butt and sometimes she's the damsel in distress, maybe she loves chocolate ice cream and the next day chunky monkey, but my characters are me. When people read my work they're with me, they've taken a peek in the deepest and most private of places of my mind and heart. Live that way Christine, write like we're in the room cheering you on, smile at least once a day to send the shadows that haunt you away.
ReplyDelete"Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you. -Valerie”
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ReplyDeletewhat you said fits me to a T, I put on a face for everyone, until i'm home alone and can be what i need, and what helps is books it takes me to another world and i love all those worlds. I love to see the happy endings and the cliff hangers. One of the worlds i love the most is the one that you have created, I love the story, the characters, i love everything! i hope this helps you as much as your books help me. :)
ReplyDeleteI only know of you what you have trusted to share with us. It is enough for me to know you are a beautiful and amazing woman. I wish I had a magic wand and could zap the zest and passion back into you. The truth is, you need to look inward and face the inner 'demons' you are struggling with, and take time for self-care. Don’t worry about us, we are your loyal fans. we might not want to, but we can wait. :)
ReplyDeleteTake time to nurture your inner child and talk to her. I cannot tell you how to do this, but I can share with you what I do. I like to sit on my porch in the morning with a cup of coffee and watch the yard squirrel squawk at me. I enjoy a trip to nature where I can snap photos freely. I raise my face to the heavens taking in the warmth of the sun and take time to feel the wind blow through my hair as I fill my lungs with the fresh air. I imagine, with every breath I take in, the air circling around and cleansing my soul. With every exhale I image my body purging all the toxic emotions, struggles, heartache, restlessness etc. I tell myself this day is for me, and it is okay. In the past journaling has helped. I am right handed, so in the past I have journaled with my left hand, allowing my 'inner child' to take possession of the pen. It is amazing what she can come up with.
This cycle will continue until you allow yourself to feel, and give yourself grace. You must forgive yourself and learn to trust yourself again. I am a loyal fan, a mental health professional, college instructor, but I am also someone who has suffered from depression in the past myself. You CAN get through this hon. Just remember, you have a 100 percent success rate of pulling through this in the past. Here are a few quotes I want to leave you with.
Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”.
Your task is not to seek for love, success, faith, or to fill, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Worrying is using your imagination to create something you do not want.
Sometimes you have to be knocked down lower than you have ever been, to stand taller that you have ever stood.
Well, that is just a few. As you heal from within, your self-image will strengthen, you will become more confident, you will be healthier, and this in turn will strengthen your resilience. You CAN and WILL be happy again.
~Spring
Read the first books and see how AWESOME they are, think of us, you're fans, your friends, but most of all, your FAMILY! Look up to them and see what they can do to help you. They love you and can lift up your spirits! BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but telling someone with depression to just "be happy again" is like telling a diabetic to just "start making insulin" again. It doesn't work that way.
DeleteI've gone through serious depression and come out the better for it, but it wasn't without years of struggles. Medication, therapy, and a ton of prayers are the only things that can help.
Please don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you are going through. It is NOT YOUR FAULT and asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness.
Yes, I would love to read the rest of your books, but put your health first and take the time to work on you. Don't let guilt make the depression worse (believe me I've been there too).
Take care of yourself.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteI've read your post dealing with depression. I too struggle with it daily. Even though I am young I've had to go through more than most people my age. I was involved in a car accident in 2008 and damaged my lower back. In 2009 I dislocated my knee and it was not fixed properly. Since then I've been in moderate constant pain. In 2012 I slipped and fell in a store and reinjured both my back and knee. 1 knee surgery later and they want to do another one along with back surgery.
Some days like today I can't even make it through a day of work. My back started to hurt so bad it gave me the worst migraine I've ever had. I couldn't even drive myself home from work.
When I have days like this I tend to sleep it away and push everyone I know away cuz I just want to be alone with my pain and sorrow. But then I look to my mom, who is truly my hero.
To understand why you have to know her story.
In 2002 the summer between my 8th grade and 9th grade year my mom was in a horrible roll over accident. My step father and I drove out to her job because it was 2 am and she still wasn't home from work (my step dads car was in the shop so my mom was getting a ride home). When we got to her job her phone was on the counter inside but there was no one there. We drove home and tried to sleep. At about 4:30 am we got a call that she had been flown in by flight for life to the trauma hospital here, and they weren't sure if she was going to make it.
Her skin on her face was peeled back by her left temple and her forehead over her right eye. Her right ankle was shattered, her back broker in 3 places, her sacrum broke, and her hip was broken in 2 places so that made a gap in her hip bone.
After emergency surgery to close up her facial wounds and ankle surgery they moved her to the ICU where they kept her drugged up for 2 days. When she came too all she wanted to do was wash her hair. The she realized what was going on and asked me what happened. I explained to her what I knew. I was 14 at the time. Seeing my mother that way broke m heart.
My life at home during that time took a turn for the worst. My step dad went crazy spent ever day yelling and screaming at me over any little thing and would just leave me at the hospital with my mom and go to work. He hardly looked at her. Her was ashamed and disgusted because she would be scared for every and the Drs said she would prolly never walk again and be brain damaged.
After a week in the ICU she recovered enough to be moved to a rehab facility. Where they reevaluated her daily to see if she was brain damaged. Miraculously she wasn't. She was only there 1.5 months before released to come home.
She had physical therapy in home daily - and after less than 1 year she started walking. The doctors couldn't figure out how she could walk. Of course at this time she was very depressed and just wanted to be alone. She forget about me and went out all of the time once she could walk. It didn't last long before she remembered really who she was once she stated walking normally.
My step dad never got better - he got worse. Became an alcoholic and did not help my mom at all. He kicked her out only 3 years after the accident and filed for divorce.
Even through all of this she remained positive that she was alive and would make the most of it. She doesn't feel sorry for herself and even thought she has her bad days she remains strong. And is my rock when I feel like I can't go one any more.
Since the accident she has had 2 back surgeries, scar revision surgery one her face and need ankle surgery again but if you seen my mom you would almost never know the horror she went through. She is determined to prove the doctors wrong and keep walking and be positive.
ReplyDeleteHer motto is: everyday I make a choice. I can lay in bed and feel sorry for myself and wallow in self putty or I can get up and make the best of what I have been given. That she was given a second chance at life and she will not waste the time she has been give. She says sometimes you just have to count to 3 and go, but it's worth it in the end.
I know this ended up longer than I intended it to be, but her story has been an inspiration for me and others she has met in the hospital who don't have it as bad as she does but putty themselves. It's a reminder of how strong we can really be.
I loved your books and can't wait for the final book, but take your time. You gotta get back to the place where writing is your escape from reality and fun! Something that you do for yourself that others really enjoy. You have a gift - and you share it with us - your loyal readers. I thank you for that! Writing should be your escape. Get back to the place why you started writing in the fist place. Write what you feel, what you know.
Don't see yourself for what you are lacking (or what you think you lack) see yourself for how amazing you are!! Get better and take time for yourself and your hubby. Go on a vacation and just be, don't force it. Depression is a hard thing to shake but once you feel better with yourself it will go away easily and you will feel free.
Take care and get well,
Felicia
Ps - sorry so long. Didn't expect to have to post 2 times :p but I hope my story helps at least a little bit.
My brother was killed in action two years ago. I loved him more than anything, and I didn't know how I was going to get past it. When my parents hit me or beat me, he was there picking up the pieces. He was 5 years older than me, and he would drive me to school and tell me I had to go in, and just leave everything behind. I had to put on this mask and where it around for the world to see. I was the weirdo girl who was labeled Ice Princess, but it didn't matter, because i would walk out of that building, and he would always be there to pick me up. He was the only one I could take off my mask with. When he died, I lost who I was. I felt like I was just trapped inside myself. It was like I just couldn't get out, no matter how many pills I took, or how many drinks I had. One night, I almost O.D. I was so mad at something for taking him from me, but I didn't know what. I stood on the edge of that cliff, and I decided it was a long way down. I found something out about myself then, looking down that edge. I was angry at myself. I was angry at myself because I felt like I should have been the one that died. He always protected me, and I thought i should have protected him for once. Everybody loved my brother. He was everybodies confident and everyone's best friend. I felt like I wasn't deserving enough to have a brother like him. But that cliff is pretty high, and as I stared at the pills, I discovered I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go there, and my brother wouldn't have wanted me to. I picked myself up. I got my life back on track, because for me there was no other option. I went back to school, because all my brother wanted was to see me be successful. That was so important to me when I was younger, and I forgot about it as I got older. I know where you are standing, and I'm telling you, to get your head out of you hind end and look around you. Take some time and figure out who YOU are. You don't have to give a crap about what people say. All that matters is what you say. There are people around you who care about you, and you need to just know that. It's not something you can prove, but its something you need to believe in. I believe in you. You will get past this, and you will be stronger for it.
ReplyDeleteI know you have had some for hard times recently but you can work through it. You are an amazing, strong woman and you so many people who support you. Times can be hard and challenging but they help make you stronger later in life. I hope you feel better soon!! You are such an amazing writer and I love your books and you!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with everything.
Please don't hide that wonderful, vibrant mind, spirit, heart & soul that the Goddess blessed you with. The family & friends you thought you pushed away are still there for you, to support you, to cheer for you, to rally around you, to catch you when you decide to fall, to raise you up when you need help to get to the next goal. You are important to so many people, not just to those who know you personally but to those of us who "saw" you through your writing.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to have dark days. I'm a cutter so I know about dark moments & how to use "masks" to allow other people to see that they want to see. Find a way to bring the light back into your life daily. That's how I've lived & loved in my marriage of 13 years with a wonderful loving man who lives with depression daily. My depression expresses itself through cutting but my husband's expresses his through his times of self-doubt & isolation.
Keep reaching out for there are so many hands wanting to reach for you. Keep moving forward because there are many other feet that are waiting to walk beside you on your journey regardless of the path. Keep talking because there are many ears & hearts willing to listen, even when they cannot offer advice but just be there to LISTEN when you need to be heard.
Do not allow depression to own you or your life. While it is a part of you, it is NOT YOU. It is just a facet of the brilliantly cut gem that you are but it is not who you are.
Don't let depression get the better of you. You are an amazing person and have an awesome personality and a supportive family that will help you through this. I know you can get through this, don't give up. I love you
ReplyDeleteRicky and Katy's son
and you're nephew,
Jacob T.
How are you doing now? I know you hit some tough times this year. I haven't seen any updates on you in awhile. I loved both of your Crystor series books and I have been checking everywhere on any updates. I hope you get better, you have such an awesome talent. Sometimes, we just go through bad times in life, it will get better.
ReplyDeleteOk here ya go from one depressed person to another. Dance in your underclothing just for you, chocolate, call your best person for 10 min. (That is you can say any thing you want and they have agree with everything you say everyone else is wrong you have to be able to say anything times up everything you said is poof gone no guilt just woo hoo much better) chocolate, then you need a funny story: so here goes true story. when my middle girl was a teen. She keept asking me the same question over and over expecting a answer that was just not going to happen. So I told her look witch switch Brooms you have ridden that one to death. She startted to ask me again. I through up my hands in frustration and said you do know I am going to be the one picking your college. Not missing a beat she said and im picking your nursing home..... yep there I stood mouth a gape like I was catching flys. Perspective
ReplyDeletesadly I haven't checked this blog for a while - I'm sorry you're going through all this. I don't suffer from depression, so I can't really pretend to believe I know what you're going through, or give you advice on how to get through it.
ReplyDeletewhen the world has got me down, I fall back on my happy song. the video and lyrics are just uplifting to me with such a happy ending :) I hope it brings at least a little light to your day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qVPNONdF58
Christine, My name is Diane. I am 54 years old and just spent the last two days reading Bound and Broken. I read nearly all night and I'm suffering today, but it was so worth it. I read to go to a different place, to find release from my current situation and it isn't often that I find a book that can do that well, but your stories took me away. You have a fan here, and I'm looking forward to hearing the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteAs for your health...just a few of my personal thoughts. We are limited by our physicality. From a practical standpoint, I cant' offer much more advice than what you've already been given. Eat the best you can, and try to do something physical each day, plenty of Vitamin D for the basics. This probably won't be enough...There is a product that has been reported to help. It is EMPowerplus Q96, a micronutrient and natural remedy for brain health and lifting the darkness of depression and other mood disorders. Perhaps this may help. Google it and see what you think.
Then there are the spiritual things that you can do, that may help. I don't think that one can underestimate the healing that God offers, in His time and in His way. Perhaps there is something that He wishes you learn through all of this. We all have challenges and we must wait on His timing, for it is perfect. Perhaps, it is not your time to write, right now.
There are several things that I've done to help me in the years. 1) I don't think that one can underestimate the power of gratitude. I find it difficult some days to grab onto the good in my day. That fact in itself, let's me know that I need to focus on remembering the good things that happen to me each day. And in order to remember better, I write them down. 2) When I'm discouraged, I take the time to find those positive sayings that buoy my spirit and I post them on little cards throughout the house. For me, they usually come in the form of scripture, God's words of encouragement. 3) I also find music healing to my soul and in my darkest times, God has given me a song, a concert or a musical that has touched my soul and made me happy. I feel better after those kinds of experiences. Playing music that I love, helps me. 4) Another thing I have done is to create a list of things that make me happy. Things that make me smile and bring joy into my life. It could include working at my son's or daughter's school, taking a walk, trying something new. I found that I need things to look forward to. You could have your husband help you to make your list.
Just know that you have a distant friend here in Washington...where it is often cloudy and filled with dark days. I wish for your recovery and brighter days ahead. I'll wait patiently for you to finish your story. I hope that you can. I'd like to know how it ends. Perhaps your quote from Jeffrey R. Holland sums it up quite nicely. I hope that this note finds you when you need it and that it brings you cheer.
Hi Christine,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Diane. I am 54 years old. I just finished reading Bound and Broken during the last two days, well mostly at night. I didn't sleep much and I'm paying for that today, but it was worth it. I so enjoyed your stories. I use reading as a relief from current circumstances and not many stories appeal to me these days,but yours was excellent. You have a fan here and I hope to learn one day about the "rest of the story".
Can I offer a few words about your illness. One can not ignore the physicality of your body. I can't really add much to what has already been posted but I would like to reiterate the benefits of eating your best, getting some sort of physical exercise each day, having enough Vitamin D and perhaps the following would help. I've heard that it brings improved health. It's called EMPowerplus Q96. It is a micronutrient and natural remedy for brain health and lifting the darkness of depression and other mood disorders. You can google it and check it out for yourself, maybe it could help you.
For me, it is not enough to heal just the physical, but also the spiritual. I can not ignore the power of God and His ability to hear our prayers, and heal our bodies and hearts. It is always in His timing and in His way. Perhaps, it is not your time to write right now. I don't know God's plan for you and I don't know the purpose of your suffering, but I'm confident that he will only have you suffer as long as it is necessary. What are you learning?
I wanted to share with you some ideas that have helped me when life feels darkest. 1) I can not underestimate the power of gratitude. It is a challenge for me to sometimes find things to be thankful for. The fact that's it's difficult for me, let's me know that I need to try each day to do that. I need to remember those things,so I write them down. 2) I need encouragement, so I sometimes write little notes of encouraging words and post them up around my house. Usually they are God's words of encouragement as found in scripture, but it can be anything that works for you. 3) At the darkest times in my life, God has given me music. Music has proven itself to be healing to my soul. I have been to concerts and musicals that have helped me to feel better. Listening to my favorite music is also helpful. 4) I also find it helpful to make a list of things that make you happy and then do them. It could be working in my son's or daughter's classroom, going for a walk, or the movies. I found that I needed something to look forward to. Maybe your husband could help you write a list.
Christine, I'm wishing you well. You have a friend here in cloudy Washington. Hoping for your healing and brighter days to come. I think that the words that you printed below by Jeffrey R. Holland sum it up so well. I'll wait patiently to hear from you again. I hope to learn the rest of the story some day. diane.mort@comcast.net