A lot!
In the process, I discovered a few unhealed wounds from when I was younger, wounds I tried to ignore and put aside for another day. Today is that other day and it's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to take months, maybe years, to get through a lot of the crap in my head and come to terms with the verbal and psychological abuse I endured as a child. The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is so not true. Sometimes the wounds left by other's words hurt far more than the ones left by their hands. And they take longer to heal because we hear them over and over in our heads long after the offender has been removed from our lives.
My demon? YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!! NO MAN WILL EVER LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS FAT . . . LIKE YOU!!! That's the one that hurts the most. Not because I'm single, but because I have a man who loves me very much and proves it every day. And I still don't trust in that love. I still think he'll change his mind at any minute and take off. I need to get over that and let him love ME, fat and all.
Maybe that's why I stay overweight, to test him. To test everyone. To see if I can be loved as I am. To prove my abuser wrong. I know it's all in my head, that I'm the one that puts the food in my mouth. I'm the one that doesn't put the effort into exercising. But the voice still has its influence. And it's time I snuffed it out.
My inner child needs to be free. I need to be free. So, I plan to call a friend of mine who has offered to help with the weight loss thing. Another friend who has offered to help with the exercise. And another one who's a great listener and will understand "the voices." Friends are good for that kind of thing. I should have let them in sooner.
Like now.
How do you deal with your demons? Any advice you'd like to pass along to my inner child?
I understand where you are comming from, I myself have dealt with similiar things from my dad. He wasn't physically abusive but verbally? yeah. I might not be considered a very mature person for how I handled it but when I turned 18 I walked out and refused to talk to him for several months. Since then we have talked and I have been over a couple times, but our whole relationship is different. My decision changed daily life for my stepsister and my physically handicapped stepmom, and that makes me sad. One person can ruin a family, but I can't afford to let words said chenge me. Yes they hurt but I have friends who stand behind me and love me. I don't have huge amounts of experience, and i'm a far cry from being 'healed' but I'm moving towards it. My only advice is keep your friends close, accept that they love you and cling to that. Other peoples love is the most valuable thing they have and that makes you one of the most valuable things TO THEM. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lauren. You're very sweet. Thanks for sharing your story. It's so hard to be abused by someone who should love you and protect you. HUGS
DeleteGlad you're getting the help you need and deserve!! I went through a horrid marriage that nearly crushed me but in the end I survived and my children and I are stronger now. It is true the abuser sticks with you long after he/she's gone. But there does come a time when they no longer can hurt you. Here's hoping you find that day soon.
ReplyDeleteDang, Traci. It's so much harder to deal with when children are involved. I'm so glad you were able to get out of that relationship and get to a place where you and the kidlets can feel safe. HUGS
DeleteYou are amazing. I'm so glad you're getting help. It must have taken a lot of courage to talk about these things here.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laura. It wasn't easy. I debated about it for days, but finally decided that if I talked about it, maybe it could help someone else heal and maybe not feel so alone. HUGS
DeleteI can't tell you how much I admire that. I've had things before that I debated ages about saying, and when I talked about them, found that they helped people--and every time I would debate with myself about taking down that particular thing, someone would email me to tell me what it had meant to them. I bet that this WILL be able to help others, whether you know it now or not. One voice can speak so much, and your voice is very powerful. Thank you for sharing all of this. *HUGS*
DeleteYou're lucky that you have those friends--and YES you should "take advantage" of their friendship. It's weird, because when we're on the NEEDING side, we think we can't use our friends like that. But when we're on the GIVING side, we WANT our friends to reach out to us, to let us in.
ReplyDeleteI thought what you said about staying fat to PROVE people's love was really, really telling. I've thought a lot about that and think for sure that probably plays a role. One of my nieces is a big girl. She was big when my nephew met her, fat when he married her and yep, she's still fat. I find myself feeling jealous of her. SHE knows her man chose her the way she is. I wish I could know that.
Advice for your inner child? That's tough. I guess I would say, that no matter what people do to hurt you, you ARE a princess. You ARE worthy of love, friendship, happiness and hope. And then I'd give her a great big hug.
And here's one for the grown-up you, too. ((HUGGGGGG))
I am so lucky to have you as my friend. And so blessed that you're willing to be one of my "helpers." LOVE YOU TONS!!!
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Good for you for reaching out. That is a hard process. The only thing that I can say is that things do get better. I have been dealing with my issues for a few years now & there definately will be better days. worse too, but they will become farther apart. And one thing I have learned is that there are no 'small' steps. they all make a difference.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you that you have good friends to help you out! That is a huge blessing. HUGE. I unfortunately didn't have that support from anyone but my husband when I started working through everything. I love seeing when people have good support & love from others. It is a gift that is priceless. XXXX
Now, as for the weight loss, I'm the 'chubby' one in my family. VERY active siblings. I heard it my whole life. Even when I was really thin I got to hear about how I 'used to be' "chubby". I have been working for the last 1 1/2 years to get back to where I was pre-munchkins. I have dropped 40 lbs & have 10 more to go. It is completely worth it for you! Just remind yourself on the days that you REALLY REALLY do not want to work out, that you will feel better once you finish. Exercise gives you a natural high that is fabulous! You feel ready to take on anything! And on the days that don't go according to plan just know that there is always tomorrow! Good luck. Would love to hear about your progress!
YAY!!! For you, Alicia! You're doing fantastic with the weight loss and exercise. You inspire me, girl. I hope I can keep up with it until I reach my LOFTY goal. I'm a tad more than chunky these days. *sigh*
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