Feb 16, 2012
My Inner Child
In the process, I discovered a few unhealed wounds from when I was younger, wounds I tried to ignore and put aside for another day. Today is that other day and it's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to take months, maybe years, to get through a lot of the crap in my head and come to terms with the verbal and psychological abuse I endured as a child. The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is so not true. Sometimes the wounds left by other's words hurt far more than the ones left by their hands. And they take longer to heal because we hear them over and over in our heads long after the offender has been removed from our lives.
My demon? YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!! NO MAN WILL EVER LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS FAT . . . LIKE YOU!!! That's the one that hurts the most. Not because I'm single, but because I have a man who loves me very much and proves it every day. And I still don't trust in that love. I still think he'll change his mind at any minute and take off. I need to get over that and let him love ME, fat and all.
Maybe that's why I stay overweight, to test him. To test everyone. To see if I can be loved as I am. To prove my abuser wrong. I know it's all in my head, that I'm the one that puts the food in my mouth. I'm the one that doesn't put the effort into exercising. But the voice still has its influence. And it's time I snuffed it out.
My inner child needs to be free. I need to be free. So, I plan to call a friend of mine who has offered to help with the weight loss thing. Another friend who has offered to help with the exercise. And another one who's a great listener and will understand "the voices." Friends are good for that kind of thing. I should have let them in sooner.
How do you deal with your demons? Any advice you'd like to pass along to my inner child?